Spicy Blog Sauce is to...

To my dismay, I recently found out analogies were dropped from the verbal section of the SAT. Although I was not the biggest fan, they were the most recognized part of the test. In fact, without analogies, you can argue the SAT is a standardized piece of crap. According to College Board, the makers of the SAT, everyone's favorite part of the test was dropped because "they are less connected to the current high school curriculum." Unless students in the 80's and 90's were taught only in analogical format, I don't think they were ever connected to the curriculum. I'm going to go ahead and say one of the makers of the test had a kid that was about to take the test and wanted to make it as easy as possible. Life is one big conspiracy.

I tend to digress, so let's get to the point. This post is dedicated to those analogy questions that tested everyone's critical thinking skills through a fun and safe manner, even if some people wanted to drive their #2 pencil through their skulls. I made up some of my own analogy questions in memory of this section of the SAT. Make sure to put on your thinking caps, this may get tricky! You have 70 minutes to finish this test. Time will start......NOW!

1.) Sam's basketball skills : a 400 lb clumsy, stupid gymnast ::

a.) chickens : lobsters
b.) Dan's basketball skills : those graceful 12 year old Chinese gymnasts
c.) winter : September
d.) pens : pencils

2.) My sister : only eats chicken and french fries ::

a.) Jack Shephard : still stuck on a deserted island
b.) Dr. House : a vindictive bastard
c.) Dan : only wears ArtStreet shirts
d.) Grey's Anatomy : doctors with drama

3.) spider monkeys : are not spiders ::

a.) knickers : pants
b.) Jenny : a large rat (see picture below)
c.) T.I. : the swagger of a college kid
d.) Jack Russell terriers : are not Jack Russell

4.) peeing your pants : Miles Davis ::

a.) passing the first grade : Billy Madison
b.) construction worker : Mariah Carey
c.) Garth Brooks : heavy metal
d.) apples : oranges

5.) McDonald's breakfast at 3am : a fun-filled and delicious adventure

a.) rain forests : future paper
b.) white collar crimes : cause inkstains instead of bloodstains
c.) ArtStreet Cafe anytime : a fun-filled and delicious adventure
d.) something else : doesn't matter this is not the right answer



Stop! You have completed the analogy section of Spicy Blog Sauce. Do not move on to the next section until instructed to do so.

Time is up! Please put down your pencils and turn in your exam. I have provided you with the answers and the grading scale below. Please feel free to look over them and if you have any questions or concerns, I don't care.

Grade Scale

5/5: You just scored a perfect 578 on the Spicy Blog Sauce standardized test! Any college would be willing to accept you in a heartbeat! This number may seem irrelevant and ridiculous, but so do the SAT and ACT grading systems. Congratulations!

4/5: Your score is a 575. Although not as good as those stuck up losers who were able to get a perfect score, you are still in a competitive arena when applying to colleges. If I were a college, I would totally accept you! Well, that's if all the 578ers are already taken. Those guys are just so smart!

3/5: Your Spicy Blog Sauce test score is a 3. You might as well start applying to your local fast food restaurants because no college will ever accept you. Good luck with the rest of your life stupid.

2/5: Your final score is a 2.75. You are going to wish you've never been born with the way colleges are going to laugh at you. Please find a nice closet or enclosed space to hide in for the rest of your life. While you're at it, please stop reading my blog. You are tainting it with your miserable self.

1/5: You receive an incomplete. By doing this poorly, you do not deserve an actual score. You will burn in Hell if you even think about applying to college. Stop wasting your time taking tests, you are obviously not smart enough to know how they work. Go find the nearest doggie bowl and start eating dog food out of it because that is how people are going to start treating you from now on if I have anything to say about it.

0/5: I am not going to acknowledge those of you who received a 0 with an actual response.

Answers
1.) b
2.) c. Although not true, c is the correct response in this case.
3.) d. Who is Jack Russell anyway?
4.) a
5.) c. My perfect day would include a trip to ASC and McDonalds.

Final Payment

This is it. The final installment in my infomercial trilogy. I can finally move on with my blog after this post.

3. GT Xpress 101

This infomercial is a classic in my book. This is just one of many indoor cooking products that makes any meal a piece of cake to prepare. For those of you who do not know what the GT Xpress 101 is, you may know it as the grill that turns everything into a Hot Pocket. You just throw a bunch of random crap into one of the two holes, and out comes a feast fit for a king. If you want everything you eat to be the same shape, this product is perfect for you. Half-circle omelets, half-circle cake, even half-circle grilled cheeses!

My favorite part of this infomercial is the orgasmic expression the host has during every bite he takes. He acts like taking a bunch of leftover food from the fridge and throwing it into this grill is the best thing he has ever had. It makes me wonder if the crew knew they weren't going to make any money selling this product and decided to bribe someone off the streets by saying they will feed him if he hosts. And I'm pretty sure at least 5 homeless people turned the crew down before they ended up with this goofball. Oh well, at least it makes for an entertaining infomercial if nothing else.

On a related note, I don't think Cathy Mitchell (the old lady) made this product as they lead you to believe.

Check out how straight this lady's back is after enjoying a meal from the GT Xpress 101.

Price: 2 payments of $19.95
Special Offer(s): Buy one get one free, Flavor injector, Spatula, Recipe book, HOT POCKETS FOR LIFE!
Website: http://www.gtxpress.com/

2. Power Trainer Pro

My infomercial list would not be complete without a workout product. This particular product did not strike me as the most intriguing or creative way to work out less and still look like a total stud. It makes my list because it is the most recent one I saw on TV. Trust me, there are a million other bodybuilding products I could choose from like the Bowflex, Billy Blanks and his Tae-Bo, or one of many others that work out your "core." When you've seen one work out video you've seen them all right? This one is no different. It's just a pull-up bar you put in your door to do...you guessed it, pull-ups. You can even go crazy and put it on the ground to do push-ups. It's the newest way to "chisel those back muscles" and get that "ripped and sculpted look you always dreamed of."

Before

After

This man used the Power Trainer Pro for three days. Look at those results!

Price: Not worth it
Special Offer(s): Also not worth it
Website: Don't waste your time

1. Billy Mays

The infomercial legend himself. "His signature yelling approach to pitching an array of products, along with his recognizable beard, have gained Billy Mays a substantial amount of recognition"(Thanks Wikipedia, I could not have said it any better myself). It just would not be suitable to put only one product of his in the top spot. This man is certainly deserving of his own ranking. He has sold everything from OxiClean to Mighty Putty. The man can clean stains like none other. I have never seen anyone put a white shirt with a stain on it into a large bowl and come out perfectly clean like the way he can. I think he's secretly a magician, which is why his products work so much better in the infomercials. OxiClean, for instance, is a piece of crap. Somehow, Billy Mays makes it look like a miracle cleaner. It is the only explanation that comes to mind.

Here's to you and your out of control beard Billy Mays. You single-handedly took infomercials to a whole new level.

The man knows how to give a damn good thumbs up!

Price: Priceless. Can't use your Mastercard here my friend.
Special Offer(s): Realizing Billy Mays is the only person that can make all the products work the way their supposed to on the advertisements.
Website: Billy Mays Top Ten Products along with Bloopers

Installment Two of Infomercial Goodness

My infomercial blog post comes in three easy installments. One entry just is not enough considering how valuable the SpicyBlog is. So...let's continue with the second payment of my three blog entry payment plan.

3. Versus Bare Floor Cleaner

Nothing beats a good vacuum cleaner infomercial. Seriously, any vacuum on television can suck up any mess imaginable. I think some nowadays even shine your shoes in the process. With the amount of vacuums on the market today, what separates Versus from the competition? Not much really, except that it doesn't work well on carpet. One advantage is its V-shaped bottom to get in those hard to reach corners. It is also lightweight so it won't hurt your back like those bulky ordinary vacuums. The fact that it is only for hard floors kind of makes this vacuum a glorified broom. I'm sold.

Don't be fooled by it's looks. It is just a broom that sucks (literally).

Price: $79.99 (most expensive broom you can buy)
Special offer(s): Clean kitchen floors for life.
Website: http://www.bissell.com/Products/p/versus+corded+76t8/product.aspx

2. Ronco Rocker Six Star Plus with new Ronco Rocker Cutlery Set

This infomercial tended to scare me. If these knives got into the wrong hands, all Hell would break loose! This set includes knives for paring, boning, carving, filleting, chopping, slicing, dicing, mincing, and more. They are also useful for slicing off someone's limbs, cutting out a person's kidneys, or hacksawing a metal pipe. The knives' best feature: being able to cut through anything you can imagine and never getting dull! That's right, anything: diamonds, steel, small Jack Russell terriers, your thumb while chopping onions. A good investment for chefs, surgeons, and construction workers alike. If I met someone with this knife set, I would be suspicious of their motives and run away. Better to avoid a possible serial killer than to get stabbed with a sharp knife. I'll stick with my dull knives thank you very much!

If they never go dull, why do they give you so many?

Price: $39.95
Special Offer(s): Wooden block knife holder
Website: http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/st6st20402.html

1. Magic Bullet

The Magic Bullet is the cutest little blender on the market. With two different types of blades that move at the speed of light, it can chop, mince, or blend just about anything in 2 seconds. It even comes with little lid things so you can drink whatever you make straight from the blender cup. No one wants to deal with the hassle of transferring their smoothie from the blender to a cup, which is why the Magic Bullet is so...magical! My brother bought this for my mom on her birthday last year, and I must say, I actually do like this crazy little blender. Another important factor is its safety feature. It's practically impossible to turn the MB on when the blades are uncovered. Trust me, I tried. Downside: There's only so much you can fit in one cup, so it is only a good kitchen utensil for sad, lonely people with no friends.

The result of a turtle going through the Magic Bullet

Price: 3 easy payments of $33.33
Special offer(s): Two Magic Bullets for the price of 1
Website: http://www.buythebullet.com/

43 Easy Payments of $19.99!!!

Infomercials. They have kept me up for hours at a time when there is nothing else on TV. For some reason, I just can't turn away. The special offers, incredible payment plans, and the realistic customer testimonials just know how to draw my attention. My favorite part about infomercials though has to be the horrible reenactments by people using the less convenient, older products. They usually look completely miserable, stumble all over the place, and tend to break the occassional bone or two. Maybe it's just me, but I get a kick out of people acting incredibly stupid when using a less convenient product. I'll admit, I occassionally act like I'm in a reenactment when I clean up a spill, use a vacuum, or get something out of the fridge. There are three that have caught my attention in the past couple months. I have provided purchasing information and the website just in case you are interested.

3. NuWave Oven

NuWaves are pretty lame. They are basically really slow microwaves. Using infrared technology, the NuWave oven cooks food about 50% faster than conventional ovens. The NuWave does not get #3 on my short list because of the product itself, but because of the special bonus offer that comes with it. For every NuWave you buy, you get a free pizza flipper! After seeing the infomercial a couple times, I'm still not sure what the hell a pizza flipper is. I usually like eating my pizza with the cheese on top, so I think I might have to pass on this step down from a microwave.

The pizza flipper in action. I have no idea what she is actually doing.

Price: Just 3 payments of 39.99
Special offer(s): Pizza flipper, instructional DVD, 25 Gourmet Recipe Card Set, two free twister blenders
Website: https://www.nuwaveoven.com/spark/index.php?ai=106

2. Shamwow!

Throw away all those useless paper towels! They are a thing of the past with the new Shamwow towels. Shamwow holds 20 times its weight in liquid, easily making it the ant of towels (Since ants are only able to hold about 8 times their weight, I should correct that to say ants are the Shamwow of insects). Shamwows can clean up virtually any spill, even those that penetrate deep into carpets. They are made in Germany so you know that they are durable. Those Germans and their crazy engineering abilities really know how to make the perfect paper towel. Let's not forget it comes with a ten year warranty! They'll even double your order for a total of 8 Shamwow towels! I'm hoping this towel doesn't get a mind of it's own, because if it does, I'm pretty sure it will set out to absorb the human race. I've been meaning to buy some Shamwows to see if they would absorb Jenny, along with the occassional spill. Please be aware of super absorbant towel imitators. Only buy the original Shamwow.

This man is explaining how stupid and pointless paper towels are.

Price: 19.99
Special Offer(s): Double your order to 8 Shamwow towels
Website: https://www.shamwow.com/ver4/index.asp

1. Snuggie

I don't even know where to start with this one. The first time I saw this infomercial I was celebrating my roommate's birthday at Milano's. A Snuggie is probably the ultimate blanket/robe a person can ever purchase. It is essentially a blanket with two sleeve holes for your arms. Easily the single greatest invention by man. The fact that someone can cut two holes in a blanket, sew in some sleeves, and make large sums of money just makes me so happy to be an American. The best part about a Snuggie is that you can look like a complete fool outside of your home! Yes, you can where Snuggie in your house while lounging around, but you can also take it to your kids soccer game or look fashionable in the mall! Seeing a person walk around in a Snuggie would probably be the single greatest day of my life.

My new goal in life is to see people wearing Snuggies outdoors. Please note the silliness of this picture.

Side note: A google search of Snuggie blankets will bring up similar blog posts from people who hate Snuggies. They obviously don't know the many uses of Snuggies.

Price: 19.95
Special offer(s): Buy one get one free, free book light
Website: https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next

The Worst Feeling in the World

Let me share with you one of the worst feelings a person can ever experience. What could it be? Getting hit by a car? Wetting your pants in front of a group of your peers? Walking in your house to see Jenny excited for you to come home? Although all of these would make me feel awful, there is one that is leaps and bounds above the rest. That is, your sock falling off your foot while walking around in shoes.

Many of my socks are old, so the elastic band things that wrap around my ankles to keep them from sliding down my feet are not so elasticy anymore. Going to Wal-Mart and purchasing new socks may solve this problem, but who has the dough to afford socks in this economy? Another solution would be to just wear my socks that are not as worn out. Sounds like a reasonable answer, I may look into that in the future. But for now, just go along with me here.

Nothing tells you that it's going to be a bad day like your sock bunching up in your foot. Having to untie my shoe and pull my sock back up just makes me feel miserable. After a while I just get sick of doing it and leave it alone. Eventually my entire sock ends up by my toes and I am one unhappy camper. When this happens to me, you better just stay away.

Well, that's about the gist of it. A bit of a short post, so maybe I'll do another one today.

One more thing. Let me give you a status update on my removal from Facebook venture.

I gave in. In the span of about one and a half weeks, I received more Facebook emails than I ever did before. The Flyer Enterprises Ugly Christmas Sweater Party was this past weekend and I ended up being tagged in just about 100 photos. Along with a few friend requests and a couple messages, I lost control and gave into temptation. Lets not forget about some of the friends I have that are horrible influences on me and try to get me to go on Facebook. Thanks guys.

I'll leave you for now with my favorite haiku:

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

Spicy Mythbusters!

Mythbusters has been one of my favorite shows of the new millennium. Even though the show has lost its steam over the past couple years, I'll still watch it from time to time. Through the use of scientific research, I've decided to crack a few myths of my own.

Myth #1: Sam is better than me at basketball.

This has been a hot topic in 405 as of late. The trash talking that went on between Sam and I reached new levels and the only way to solve the problem was to go head to head on the court. Now, I'll admit, I was a little worried knowing Sam could at any minute "end my life with a 360 slam from the 3 point line," but overall I was confident I could take this man. After gathering some crucial scientific data, the result is pretty conclusive. By taking a best of 3 series with a 10-5 win followed by a 10-6 win, I can say with confidence that this myth is...

BUSTED!

Myth #2: I am a cheater.

Word around the water cooler is, I don't know where my loyalties lie. Some will accuse me of being a die-hard ArtStreet Cafe fan while I should be in love with the Flyer Enterprise's office. Now although it is true that I am still in love with the Cafe, the time I have had with the office is irreplaceable. Plus, is it even possible to cheat on a location? I always thought that was special bond held between two dysfunctional people. Science tells me this myth is...

BUSTED!

Myth #3: I am an over-achiever.

At the recent accounting team meeting, I was accused of being an "over-achiever" because I studied for my audit test over Thanksgiving break. Not realizing that everyone else was waiting until the hour before the test to start studying, I began to feel like I left all of my fellow accountants in the dust. Although I tend to procrastinate with everything else, the research I found concludes that the myth is in fact...

PLAUSIBLE!

Myth #4: Jenny is Cute.

This is an assumption made by almost anyone who first lays their eyes on the little Jack Russell. Being completely frustrated with everyone for thinking she is cute, I decided to do a little digging to find out if this myth is in fact true. Here is a list of what I uncovered. Everything in the list is rated on a cuteness scale between 1-10:

• Jenny is a small, energetic puppy that likes to cuddle with you: 10
• There are Jenny logs scattered throughout the house to step in: 2
• Jenny has a loud, shrill bark that will keep you up at night and interfere with TV watching: 1.5
• Jenny is a total chick magnet: 10
• Jenny runs from me when I approach: 7
• Jenny is terrified when I chase her around the house: 10
  

Averaging the cuteness factor of all the scientific criteria, Jenny has a cuteness factor of 6.75. Now, in dog years, that's a cuteness factor of over 40! Unfortunately for me, on a cuteness scale of 1-10, 40 is pretty damn cute. I'm going to have to say this myth is...

CONFIRMED!

Myth #5: Diane will get an entire blog post dedicated to her.

BUSTED!

I hope you enjoyed my version of Mythbusters. I know it doesn't contain half the amount of explosions and pyrotechnics as the original, but at least you can finally put to rest all of those rumors that have been going around through the use of SCIENCE!

Until next time...

A Special Thanksgiving Post to Make Your Holiday Even Better!

Facebook is the ultimate procrastination tool. Just about everyone has it except for a rare few who miraculously had no interest in joining the world’s largest community. Over the past couple of months, I’ve been trying to figure out why I am on the website at all myself. Every single picture is a candid photo of two people, one of them holding the camera as far away as possible to capture both faces. Status updates range from obscure quotes to how depressing the person’s life is, all of which I could care less about. The only exciting day of the year is your birthday when about a third of the people you are either friends with or ones you hardly know write on your wall to wish you a good one. Quite possibly, this is not everyone’s perception of the site, but it’s definitely how I’ve seen it as of late. Is it time for me to finally drop Facebook?

Of course there are many practical applications of Facebook, like finding a friend’s phone number or screen name who you need to get in touch with, or figuring out the relationship status of that secret crush of yours. You can use it to write on a long lost friend’s wall to let them know you’re still alive, or be on-and-off again friends with that ex-girlfriend who recently dumped you. Admittedly, I have used Facebook for all of the above at one point in my life. But of course, my favorite practical reason to use Facebook is to send and receive bumper stickers relating to inside jokes between my friends and I.

Since the summer after freshman year of college, I’ve wasted an estimated half of my life on Facebook. I was able to hold off joining the social networking site for an entire year, but for some reason I gave in to the temptation and made an account. Slowly but surely I have come to regret that decision I made over two years ago. By dropping Facebook altogether, I can’t even imagine how much extra time I will have in my life. I can’t find any justification for ever logging on, but for some reason I keep coming back. There must be cocaine lining the website that makes it so addicting.

I’ve decided to challenge myself. Being finals time and everything, this is coincidentally the perfect time to do it. I am not going to log on to Facebook for at least a month. Now, this is only a start that will hopefully lead to me being able to delete my account forever. For some reason right now, I can’t seem to bring myself to such drastic measures. I’ll have to start out slow. Maybe they have some sort of gum or a patch like they do for cigarettes. Hopefully going cold turkey will not cause irrational mood swings or intense headaches. I apologize in advance if I lash out at you for something trivial; just know what I am going through right now. Maybe I can load up on office mints to calm my nerves, which seemingly solves all problems, right Diane?

So please, feel free to write on my wall, tag pictures of me, send me bumper stickers, comment on photos of me, poke me (but not too hard ;-) ), invite me to events, request me to join groups, or anything else you could imagine doing to me Facebook related, but realize I won’t be there to see it until at least January, if ever.

I hope everyone had an excellent Thanksgiving filled with food and good times! I had enough stuffing to feed a small child for three lifetimes, that’s for sure!

Gobble Gobble!

R.I.P. Favorite Jeans 09.04.06 - 11.24.08

Today marks the end of an era for a certain pair of jeans I wear.  These jeans have been nothing but a blessing since I bought them one marvelous day way back when. I remember it like it was yesterday...

I was home during Labor Day weekend my sophomore year of college. My birthday just happened to be the very next weekend (September 9 is my birthday for those of you unaware) so my parents gave me a little extra spending money. I decided to do a little shopping at the local mall to buy some new clothes and the like. Little did I know I would be making the single greatest purchase of my young life.  During my shopping spree I stopped in J.C. Penny, although not as cool as many of the other stores in the mall, still has a decent selection.  They were having an amazing sale on Levi jeans: Buy 1 pair and get the second for $1!  I did not have too many denim slacks at the time, so I decided to try on a few in the nearby fitting room.  I knew it was meant to be the minute I zipped up that fly.  I had to have them no matter what they cost.  Lucky for me they were pretty inexpensive at the time due to the incredible sale. I must go back to that J.C. Penny someday to thank them for selling me the jeans of the century.

My jeans and I had a good run for a long time. I noticed a few signs of aging a couple weeks ago but it did not bother me all that much since I assumed my jeans would last forever.  A few holes started to form, one in the crotch area and another in the back pocket. I was not even phased by the amount of damage my jeans began to take. I would wear them regardless. Or so I thought...

After taking my jeans out of the dryer not too long before my last blog post, I found a small hole in the left knee.  This made my laundry experience even more miserable than usual.  The tear was not too noticeable, making me less pertubed than I could have been. One of the biggest mistakes I have ever made was not realizing the hole was more trouble than I originally thought.

I woke up Sunday morning to go to Tank's breakfast before the Browns game when the unthinkable happened. As many of you know, I had a pretty wild Saturday, which did not help the situation whatsoever. I started to slip my left leg into my pants when MY BIG TOE WENT THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE KNEE! My Levis tore even more, making it an awful Sunday. I continued to wear them hoping for a few more days of glorious comfort. 

It wasn't until 10 o'clock tonight I realized my jeans had finally kicked the bucket, bit the dust, reached the finish line, flew the coop, bought the farm, and so on (I like euphemisms). I was chasing Jenny around like usual and dove to grab her. My knee slid across the ground, opening the hole from the inner seam to the outer seam, putting an end to the life of my favorite trousers.

Levi's 527 Low-Rise Boot Cut Jeans, you will be missed. We've had so many great memories together and hopefully someday I will be able to move on past this horrible travesty.  I will never own a pair of jeans that were as comfortable or that made me look as fabulous as you did. Thanks for all the good times. RIP.

Laundry Day!!

I feel like I spend a lot of time complaining here.  I guess I use my blog as a sort of venting tool for me.  This post will be along the same lines. I apologize, I'm a pessimistic person. Deal with it.

I don't know how many of you live in a campus house, but probably the worst experience about living in one is having to do laundry.  I try to hold out as long as possible, but I'm always delaying the inevitable. I want clean clothes. More importantly, I need clean clothes.  Here is my entire laundry experience from start to finish. Be warned, it is not for the faint of heart.

After collecting all my clothes off of the ground and putting them in my laundry basket, I walk with my laundry alllll the way to Mcginnis from College Park.  For those of you who don't know where either of these places are, let's just say it's about a 30 minute walk when you're carrying a 1,000 lb. laundry basket.  When I arrive at Mcginnis, I look around the room and notice all the miserable faces of people who are also washing their clothes.  Every once in a while I will see a person huddled in the corner balling his or her eyes out screaming, "Why God, why must you make me do laundry every other week!? I hate my life!" True story.

Now begins the fun part. Finding an open washer to put my clothes in.  Fortunately for me, I've never had to wait on a washer.  There will usually be one top-loading washer open and then one of the two random front-loading washers that take twice as long to wash your clothes.  After starting the washers, I bolt out of there before I lose the little bit of sanity I have left and head to heaven on Earth, Artstreet Cafe.

For those of you who have never been to Artstreet before, the only advice I can give you is GO.  It is the coolest place with the most amazing workers and THE BEST food.  Just walking into the place puts the biggest smile on my face. I almost forget that I'm doing laundry because I'm having such a great time.  Not to mention they have two of the best sandwiches ever made. The El Greco and the Van Gogh.  Never tried either of them? What are you waiting for? Stop reading my blog and get to Artstreet Cafe right now!

For those of you who are not taking my advice and are still reading, let me finish telling you my laundry experience. After leaving Artstreet and remembering why I am on that side of campus, I sulkily make my way back to the laundry room.  I transfer my clothes from the washer to the dryer, start it up, then try to find something to do for 42 minutes until it is done.  Once finished, I take my semi-dry clothes out and fold them. I don't think the university's dryers were built to completely dry your clothes. I've come to terms with that a long time ago. Finally, I make the 30 minute trek back home with the 2,000 lb. laundry basket (It is now twice as heavy since it is weighed down by an extra 1,000 lbs. of water).

Every time I get home I tell myself I am never doing that again.  Two weeks later, I do. What a miserable day laundry day is.

On a completely unrelated note, Jordan went to Tim's last night! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

A Difficult Decision

Have you ever had trouble deciding between different brands of a product to purchase? I was in a difficult situation the other day in Marianist Hall, trying to figure out which type of gum to buy. Why was I in Marianist? Long story. So why don't I share it with you?

Actually I lied, it's not that long (that's what she said). I was working on a group project for Business and Proposal Writing...blah, and had to drop a book off at a friend's house afterward. I chatted it up with my friend for a while, then decided to mosey on over to my sophomore year residence to purchase a pack of gum. While there, I happened to know the front desk attendant working at the time. I told him my dilemma, and he suggested that I try Trident Original Flavor®. Have you ever had a friend recommend something to you only to find out that it was possibly the worst decision you could ever make?

First of all, never buy a pack of gum from Dining Services. Not only is Dining Services lame, but my gum cost $1.49 for 18 sticks the size of my pinky toe! If that didn't just grind my gears already, Trident Original Flavor® tastes like a mix of bleach, spaghettios, and Blue Moo Cookie Dough Ice Cream from UDF. Ok, it's not that bad, but from the variety of options I had in front of me, I was definitely recommended the worst.

Not only do I now have a lame pack of chewing gum, I have also lost all respect for my friend. So, my friends, I have three pieces of advice for you:

1. Never buy a pack of gum from the Emporium or any other dining services locations. But do continue to purchase from Stuart's Landing and all other Flyer Enterprises/Dining Services joint ventures because they are superb places with an impeccable selection.
2. When you buy some gum, never get Trident Original Flavor®.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, take the advice of someone from the Marianist Hall front desk.

Sidenote to the Marianist front desk worker: If you actually read my blog, I'm sorry and know that I love you.

Brr, It's Cold in Here.

It's about that time of year again. The temperature drops below freezing and all I want to do is sit inside and try not to turn into a popsicle. Nothing helps keep you warm like chasing a small rat-dog around the house, let me tell you. It's one of the few benefits of having a the thing around. But I digress.

It is also around this time that I contemplate bailing and move to a place much, much warmer than Dayton, Ohio. There are 4 benefits that I can see in this plan already. 1.) I would not have to worry about bringing a winter jacket because where I'll be going they don't celebrate winter(not that anyone would want to celebrate a season in the first place). 2.) I can wear flip-flops year round which means I will not have to worry about washing socks. 3.) The fear of someone throwing a snowball in my face is completely eliminated by the fact that THERE WILL BE NO SNOW! 4.) Most importantly, I will be leaving Jenny behind. Enough said.

I pulled up places in the US with the highest average temperatures for the month of January, the heart of winter. According to my research, the following are the best places to live if you are looking for warm weather:

City	Avg Temp for Jan (Fahrenheit)
Honolulu, Hi	73
Miami, Fl	68.1
Vero Beach, Fl	63
Tampa, Fl	61.3
San Diego, Ca	57.8
Los Angeles, Ca	57.1
Long Beach, Ca	57
Jacksonville, Fl	53.1
New Orleans, La	52.6
Houston, Tx	51.8
Dayton, Oh	26

As you can see, Dayton is a little colder by comparison. If any of these places sound interesting to you and you also want to avoid the upcoming cold weather, let me know and we can start planning a trip to one of these destinations for the next few months.

Boom!

Last night, a certain Ryan Noonan told me I should blog when I am drunk. He said that his friend back home did it all the time and would write about how much he hates Noonan. At the time, I was feeling the same way his friend was, but I decided to go about it a little differently. I am not writing this late at night, hardly able to sit up from being completely "shmammered." I thought it would be better to wait until morning to write about my hatred for Noonan.

Unfortunately, I realized something. Being the awful person that he is, he would just think it is funny. I am not here to entertain people I hate, which is exactly what I would have done if I wrote this after a night of drinking.

And that my friends is why you don't drink and blog.

Are Groupwork and a Flock of Geese the Same Thing?

As many of you probably know, my Business Proposal and Report Writing classes are the biggest waste of time a student can spend at the University of Dayton. Now, I'll admit that the projects the professor assigns are somewhat meaningful and I am able to learn a little about writing proposals and reports. Unfortunately, class time is not spent on learning how to write the various reports. It is spent going over many grammar and sentence structure lessons that most individuals learn in the 5th grade. Past lessons included the proper use of apostrophes; those "pesky" pronouns such as everyone, no one, or anybody; and those deadly run-on sentences. We have had some wild classes in English 370, but nothing prepared me for what was in store during class this past Monday.

Our next project involves working in groups, an important part of today's business world. As expected, the class pertained to effective group work. How did she accomplish this you ask? By comparing every aspect of a flock of geese to the business world!
I never knew how much you can learn from the most annoying bird in existence. Did you know that geese fly in a "V" to reduce the amount of work that the entire group has to do as a whole? Did you care? Or, did you also know that when flying in "V" formation, the geese in the back are the ones who are doing all the honking? No one knows for sure why the geese in the back honk, but my professor decided to relate it to group work anyway because it sounded cool.

These life lessons are what we went over THE ENTIRE CLASS! Anyways, I wanted to use this post to share with you a small part of my daily life, so hopefully you learned a little something about Daniel J Laycock.

Useless Information.

I was sitting on the can today (TMI...sorry), reading the back of the bottle of hand soap in our bathroom. Following along, I found some useful tidbits of information. Did you know that Equate Antibacterial Clear Liquid Soap contains 0.115% Triclosan? Or that putting soap in your eyes is harmful? Me neither! I made it all the way to the bottom of the label until I finally reached the directions:

Directions - Wet hands - Apply palmful to hands - Scrub thoroughly - Rinse

Now I don't know about you, but for the past 22 years of my life I have always known how to properly wash my hands. I began to wonder if anyone actually had to look at the directions to figure it out. I concluded that everyone actually knew, but certain questions were still racing through my mind. What if someone was illiterate and couldn't read the directions, will they have to go their entire lives without washing their hands? Is it dangerous to apply more than a palmful of soap? What happens if you apply the soap to dry hands? I needed answers.

Since I am currently a college student surrounded by knowledgeable people, it is almost impossible for me to find someone illiterate. However, instincts tell me that most illiterate people have washed their hands at least one time in their life. My instincts are usually right, so let's say case closed. Moving on.

Being the daredevil I am, I decided to kill two birds with one stone by applying excess amounts of soap to my bone dry paws. The outcome is not as thrilling as you might think. Turns out using too much soap only makes your hands cleaner. What a waste of time and soap.

I would be a horrible blogger if I left my reader feeling disappointed due to the anticlimactic conclusion to my story, so I decided to do an Internet search to find more useless information for your entertainment.

Enjoy!

Useless Fact #1: Michael Jordan shaves his head on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Useless Fact #2: The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.
Useless Fact #3: There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Useless Fact #4: The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Useless Fact #5: No president of the United States was an only child.

An Introduction to the Spiciest Blog Sauce You Will Ever Try!

Over the past few days, I have been debating whether or not to start a blog. I never thought of myself as much of a writer, but I've found myself becoming more and more confident in my writing as the current semester progresses. Lucky for you guys, I broke down and decided to share my thoughts through the art of blogging.

Although you may be excited of what the future may bring for this blog, we'll see how far I actually take it. You might want to consider this a trial run of sorts. Future blogs will be dependent on how much time I have on my hands, whether or not I am bored, and most importantly, how creative I am feeling at the time.

And off we go!

So there's this girl in my life right now. She's cute, has tons of character, and doesn't have a care in the world. She can be easy to get along with, but at the same time she has challenged me in ways I could not have imagined without her. People who meet her fall in love with her instantly and she has helped me make plenty of new friends. She loves to cuddle and has the cutest little snore you will ever hear. She will always let me know when something is bothering her, and she is the easiest person to please. You would think that I am the happiest man alive, but I am not.

Although she can be great at times, she is very clingy. I can hardly leave my house without her having something to say about it. When I don't do something she wants to do, she will not let me hear the end of it. Although she has many amazing qualities, her flaws are just so hard to look past. Our relationship has been on the fritz since that one fateful day in late September.

Oh, what a day it was. I remember it like it was yesterday. She thought it would be cute to hide a little gift for me to find later in the day. Needless to say, I found it, but it was too late. A quick look at the bottom of my foot told it all. Like many times before, she had pooped on the floor, only this time I did not realize it until I felt the warm, fresh, squishy feeling between my toes. Since then our relationship just has not been the same.

I dedicate this first post to Jenny, the house dog. Although you may be cute and currently sleeping in my lap, you better realize I will probably never like you.