Corporate Bigshot

As you may have noticed, I recently sold out to the man. Which man? The G-man. Explanation: I put Google Ads on my blog in an effort to make bank on it. Man, oh man has it been working. I never realized how much money can be made as a blogger. I should have thought of this years ago.

The ads in the right sidebar change based on what my blog is about. The ads have definitely shown how random my blog really is. There are toothbrush ads mixed in with alpaca promotions right now, so if your alpaca has dirty teeth, you have come to the right blog.

Now, I'm probably not going to run off and become a multi-million dollar blogger any time soon. Google keeps track of how much money I make right on my Blogger dashboard. Currently, I am pushing a grand total of 4 cents in two weeks. Pretty soon I'll be able to afford a postage stamp of my very own! Perfect for when I need to mail myself a postcard from Alaska.

At this rate, I am most likely going to drop out of college and become the CEO of SpicyBlogSauce Entertainment, Inc. Once I fill out the paperwork to make my blog its own corporate entity, I should be good to go. Anyone want to own some shares of Spicy Blog Sauce?

I don't know what any of the stats mean, other than that last one. That's right, I have one HUGE paycheck coming my way!

I figured since I will be making a huge fortune in the near future, I would give you a look into a day in the life of yours truly five years from now.

*Screen fades to black then returns, but a bit blurrier than before, representing a flash forward like in 90's sitcoms.*

My day begins quite normally. I awake from my slumber in my double king-sized bed surrounded by 20 of the most beautiful women God has ever created (chicks dig bloggers). I have my servants, Reginald and Applebum (yes, that is his actual name), cook me a breakfast consisting of two scrambled eggs with cheese, cinnamon toast, Apple Jacks with 2% milk, and orange juice with no pulp. I hate pulp. It's a dumb looking word too.  I take a bite out of my toast, dump the eggs on the floor and have Applebum eat them off of it, throw the Apple Jacks out the window because I can, and drink the orange juice with no pulp. All part of this complete breakfast.

It is now noon. I have been awake for roughly a half hour. Time to go to a long day of work. I have Applebum carry me piggyback style to my workstation three floors below. I make him take the stairs because I still can't stand elevators after that fateful day in Miriam Hall. Upon arrival, I sit down and start cranking away at a new blog entry on my decked out, 2005 Tangent Laptop PC complete with broken hinges and a busted fan (Why I haven't upgraded my computer five years from now is beyond me). After about fifteen minutes of writing I get bored and have the top writers of the major TV networks finish my post for me.

The clock strikes two. Oh no! I am late for my lunch with Justin Timberlake, Lebron James, and Joey Gladstone from Full House! Over the past five years we have developed quite a friendship. They are going to be so mad that I'm late! I have Applebum carry me on piggyback to our lunch 20 miles away.

I arrive. We chit-chat about how funny my latest post was, Lebron's five NBA Championship rings he won with the Cavaliers, J.T.'s latest appearance on Saturday Night Live, and our favorite episodes of Full House. After lunch, we all go our separate ways, them in their fancy cars, and me on piggyback.

I get home just in time for my afternoon siesta. After a recent trip to Spain, I realized that they got something right with these mid-afternoon naps, so I incorporated it into my daily life. After my seven hour nap, I wake up to the smell of Reginald's cooking: two Philly Cheesesteak Hot Pockets straight from the microwave. I ask Reginald, "Why the hell are you making me Hot Pockets!? I'm rich you moron!"

"But they're your favorite sir," he responds in a thick Scottish accent. I scold him for thinking Hot Pockets could possibly be my favorite food. I have him set them on the floor for Applebum to eat. I go out and get some McDonalds instead. People who are lesser than me are so infuriating...

8 o'clock. Time for my nightly one-on-one Wii Tennis match with Venus Williams. I win, again, and tell her to get out of my house because she's disgracing it with her lack of tennis talent. She leaves, upset as usual. That girl has such a temper.

Afterwards, I go upstairs and think about how awesome my life is. I have Applebum eat more food off the floor (Don't worry, the floors are clean and I'm paying him incredibly well to do it). I then ride the roller coaster that leaves from my bedroom and goes out into the Disneyverse, the Disney theme park I built in my backyard. I enjoy a lovely night with all my favorite Disney characters, especially the ones from Up. The roller coaster operator, Richard from Six Flags Over Georgia, does a little dance and gives me a high five upon my return from Disneyverse. Time for bed.

*Aaaaaaaaand POOF!* Back to reality. My life in the near future is looking pretty sweet, all thanks to putting alpaca ads on my blog. I'm not exactly sure why I am such a huge jerkface in five years, but there's not much I can do about it, right? Fame and fortune come at a price.

Now to start looking for someone named Applebum...