Another Infomercial Post? I Thought You Were Done With Those Dan.

Remember the infomercial posts I did during the early days of my blogging career? If not, I suggest going back and reading them, they were some of my favorites.  If you did not enjoy those, then stop reading now, I'm following the exact same format I did previously. 

Apparently my brother is big into infomercials as well and was describing one earlier today. It is a toothpaste dispenser that automatically dabs the correct amount of toothpaste on your brush every time. I instantly started giggling. I could imagine it now. 

People trying to squeeze their toothpaste tubes beyond oblivion, getting toothpaste all over the place in the process. Muscle builders unable to squeeze hard enough to get that last ounce of toothpaste out. The struggle and torment of the average toothpaste tube is incomparable to anything else. This product is genius and the commercial would probably make for an entertaining time.

I was right. Granted it could have been better, but the actors struggling with their toothpaste tubes made it all worthwhile. The product is dubbed the "Touch N Brush," and with it there will be

• No more messy sticky bathroom sinks!
• No more crusty toothpaste tubes!
• No more fighting over the last drop of paste!
• No more kids leaving behind a mess in the morning!

In essence, this product alone will create peace and harmony within your household and turn your children into spotless angels, all for only $19.99! And it even comes in chrome too! Quite the deal for a product that will eliminate years of family therapy by just controlling the amount of toothpaste you use.

A quick Google Image search for "Touch N Brush Toothpaste Dispenser" will give you this amazing picture. Not sure what it has to do with dispensing paste, but you can tell he uses a Touch N Brush by the way he looks like he is at peace with his family.

Price: $19.99

Special Offers: Sonic 4x toothbrush. That way you have something to use your Touch N Brush with because obviously you didn't have a toothbrush before.

Website: http://www.buytouchnbrush.com

Day 4 of...Well...You Get the Picture

I'm lazy. Get over it.

My Tangent is currently working at maximum capacity. At least I think it is because it sounds like an aircraft carrier with 1,000,000 screaming babies as its cargo. Since I think my computer is on its last life and probably won't last me through the rest of the year, I thought now would be the perfect time to reminisce about all the good times I've had with it the past four years.

I remember the first day of school when they put it in my arms. I took it to my room, set it up, and was amazed. "Wow, this thing is so fast," I said to myself, "I'm going to have this thing forever!" The instant I finished saying that, my Tangent blue screened. That's when I realized my new best friend was going to be nothing but fantastic!

Sophomore year was an incredible time for my Tangent and me. I would have competitions with the roommates to see who's computer would blue screen first any given day. Needless to say, my trusty lappy won no problem most days. If my Tangent was a basketball star, it would be twice as good as Lebron James.

This picture says it all. We loved our Tangents, and no one was going to tell us otherwise! 

Then there was that time junior year when my power cord broke. It cost 70 bones to replace. Considering my Tangent was already two years past its prime (and its ability to work at all), I debated on just getting another computer. But my love for the Tangent won out in the end and I just bought the power cord. That, and the fact that I'm a poor college student who cannot afford to purchase new computers on a whim.

Finally, senior year. The hinges broke and the fan stopped working properly. My computer overheats constantly and the screen will not stand up on its own. In order to type with two hands, it must be firmly propped up against a wall or have really heavy textbooks holding it up. Oh, the harassment I got for those broken hinges. It was so embarrassing taking it to class and having everyone stare at me as I set my Tax and Audit book behind my computer to hold it up. Lest I forget my executive interview with Flyer Enterprises where it was held up by 07-08's fiscal year financial data. That was a good time! Regardless, I loved my Tangent.

But I'm ready for it to die. It's like a rich grandparent who wants to give you his large inheritance but is still living at the ripe old age of 115. Sometimes your welcome is overstayed, and that's how I feel about my Tangent.

RIP Tangent...eventually.

Work was boring again. I'll start updating you again when I actually start doing stuff. Until then, enjoy whatever else I have to say.

Day 3 of My Summer of Coolness

Have you ever been set on writing something only to have it change last second? I did today, and here's why:

This is a picture of Cedar Point's Sky Ride. Why is it significant enough to get mentioned in Spicy Blog? It's not really, other than the fact that it's the scariest ride known to man! Top Thrill, Goliath, and the Slingshot in Daytona combined do not even come close to the anxiety I feel while on the Sky Ride.

I have a hard time understanding why no one agrees with me on this one. You're suspended 150 feet in the air dangling by an 80 year old wire. Dangling! I know it may be a funny word, but it's not how I want to be when I'm about to fall to my death. I can hear the conversation now...

"How did Dan die?"

"He was dangled high in the air on the Sky Ride before the wire snapped and he plummetted to his death."

"Sweet, I hated that kid."

No one wants to be dangled to death. So why in the world would I like this ride? Not to mention that every time it crosses one of the supports it tends to rumble and the car feels like its going to fall off the wire.

Another problem, no seatbelts. What if I get the urge to jump out of the gondola? There's no seatbelt strapping me in to stop me. Looks like I'm dead.

As you can see, none of the above scenarios end with me alive. You may think I'm just being dramatic, but I'm just trying to be realistic. I can't even look at that picture without getting chills...

Oh yeah, I suppose I should update you on my internship.

They did not have anything for me to do today...again. Beth, who works in the office across the hall, gave me some accounting literature to read. I read that for about four hours in between a few miscellaneous jobs she found for me. I had to refrain from holding a pen in my hand fearing I might jab it into my eyesocket. 

They say it will get better, I hope they're right.

Day 2 of My Summer of Coolness

It was boring. That should just about cover the past eight hours.

I'll give you some blog filler since this post was so short.

I'm a strange person. How do I know this? Easy. My desktop computer has a picture of a squirrel holding an acorn as the background, and my Tangent has a background filled with cute bunnies being mischievous.  Judge all you want. I'm keeping it.

I am currently carless, and have been for the past 22 years. That will hopefully change mid-summer. We'll see how it goes. If I do manage to get my hands on a car, I'll probably end up at Dayton every weekend because there's nothing to do here. Not that I'm expecting there to be a whole lot going on down there since it's the summer and all, but it's UD and not doing anything there is a heck of a lot better than not doing it in Cleveland.

Going along with the last paragrapho (Spanish for paragraph), if I do get a car, I will be riding roller coasters the rest of the summer when I'm not in Dayton of course. I've never been to King's Island, and now that they have the Diamondback, I feel it is a good time to experience the biggest (and only) thrill Cincinatti has to offer.

Six Flags Over Georgia would also be fun considering I still have a season pass there for the summer. Actually, any Six Flags would be fun, but I love the Dirty South. 

You been to Mexico boy?

Here are some pictures:

That last one is a picture of me before I started my first day of high school. I've lost a little weight since then. Lay off the Wendy's JBCs for one summer and lose 200 pounds. I should write a book about it.

If you like nonsense, this post should be very fitting. Being nonsense, it makes no sense. It is also a bit redundant. It repeats itself. It says the same thing over and over. 

People make fun of me (actually just one person) for liking songs that are on the radio.  I can't help it, they have catchy melodies. I also like to know what music to expect when I walk into Tim's.

Speaking of Tim's and the music they play, I cannot stand the song "All I Want for Christmas is You" and don't understand why it is played year round. Just for that, you cannot have me for Christmas. Don't bother asking.

I'm going to stop because I'm sure no one is still reading this post.

And So Begins My Summer Of Coolness

Today marks the beginning of my journey into adulthood. Although I still have a measly one year of school left, I got my first taste of what a real job is all about. It was a thrilling experience marked with confusion, happiness, stress, exhaustion, and most importantly, Skyline Chili.

Monday, May 18th, 2009. My first day as an intern at Pease & Associates, a small accounting firm located in the heart of downtown Cleveland. I knew they were relatively small but never fully grasped how small. Interns included, there are roughly 50 people that work there, 10 of which are in audit (that includes me). In an effort for you to fully grasp this monumental day, I will relive the experience as much as possible through the art of blog.

7am: I awake. Unsure of what the day will bring, I hit the snooze button on my alarm for 15 minutes, passing on a shower and deciding to simply run some water through my hair. "Man oh man am I tired," I say to myself as I walk down the stairs, "I better make myself some breakfast so I can be energized on my first day!" I make myself a bowl of cereal and eat about half of it before heading out to the bus.

8am: Being the gracious person that she is, my sister helped me make my way through the hustle and bustle of the RTA public transit. Without her, I don't think I would have ever made it to Pease. I am expected to arrive at Hannah Theater (Pease is located on the 8th floor of the theater) at 9. It was 8:30 when I arrived to my destination. With so much time to kill, what do I do? Do I risk the embarrassment of walking up an entire half hour early? Will people even be there then? I make my way up to find two other young, professionally dressed individuals sitting in the lobby. I introduce myself, they do the same, we become instant BFF. Both are one year away from graduating Baldwin-Wallace, a decent school but nothing compared to UD. Finally, one last person walks in. It's a fellow UD student! Another instant BFF. Once 9am rolls around, we begin our trek to the main conference room to begin training.

9am: Training commences. I soon realize that I am going to be the odd man out during this experience. The room consists of the four interns, four new hires in the tax department, and a partner. Out of the four interns, I am the only one in the audit department. The three others are in tax. Losers. 

We learn about the company, and Alyson (Joseph Pease's personal assistant) tells us about some of the fun activities that they have. To my surprise, a couple UD alums have started a tradition known as "Skyline Day" where they pick a name out of a hat and treat the person they pick to Skyline, giving said person the entire history of Skyline on the trip there. I am on the edge of my seat waiting to be picked from that hat. This internship was worth it just to find out that there's a Skyline in the area! My life is set!

I'm happy to know that no matter how far away from UD I may be, there will always be something there to remind me. A relief knowing that my own graduation is not too far in the future.

11am: The next training session. This one is geared towards the taxers. They kick me out and leave me for dead. I make my way to the audit department, the small gang of 10 people that will soon conquer the world one trial balance at a time. Once there, I am taught the ins and outs of auditing clients from my officemate Audrey.  Although slightly boring to watch, mainly due to my extreme tiredness that was beginning to kick in, I knew right then that this summer was going to rock.

And roll.

1pm: Lunchtime. Audrey, Mark (an auditing partner) and I go to a small deli located on the first floor of the Hannah Building. Intrigued by the concept of Dayton to Daytona, I give them the lowdown on the wild happenings that only UD students can create (see previous post for more details). I order a turkey sandwich which Mark so kindly paid for. Fully satisfied, we head back up to the audit department.

2pm: More training. Nothing to see here. Move along.

5:30pm: I head home. Waiting for the bus may be the worst part of any man's day. Homeless people are asking money from you left and right. Being a young college student in business professional garb, I am obviously an easy target. After a half hour of waiting, the 39F finally arrives to take me home. My day is over.

It all starts over at 7am tomorrow. Be ready.

Hopefully that gives you an idea of what I did today. Nothing too eventful, but I know you guys all want to be me, and I am more than willing to help.

Blogspot does not do too well when trying to format. That is why my last post is extremely sloppy. I tried to fix it multiple times but it reverts back to the crappy version.

I apologize for any inconvenience this has caused. I will try harder in the future to prevent such occurrences.

Daytona. Enough Said

Every year, the Student Government Association puts on a trip to Daytona for all UD students. Being my senior year and because most of my friends will not be returning next year, I decided to embark on this once in a lifetime experience. And trust me, when I say once in a lifetime, this is something you will only want to experience once.

Five crumbling hotels, a handful of overcrowded bars, two hot as hell arcades, a slingshot, and the Atlantic Ocean: Dayton to Daytona in a nutshell.

I'm not saying I did not have fun. On the contrary, I had a blast. But if it wasn't for the fact that it only costs $200 for six nights in a second rate hotel, I'm sure most people would not do the trip. Here's the routine: Wake up 11am, free bagel at first hotel 11am-12pm, steamroll roommates that are still sleeping 12pm-1pm, free beer at the first hotel 1pm-3pm, nap 3pm-5pm, wake up sleeping roommates by blaring music 5pm-6pm, dinner 6pm-7:30pm, bars 8pm-11pm, arcade 11pm-3am, sleep 3am-11am, repeat the next day. As much fun as this was, it got a little repetitive. Although I am being a Debbie Downer about the whole experience right now, here are some of my favorite highlights from the trip.

The Drive

15 hours in the car with the same four people can be gruesome. But this trip was an exception. There were so many good times from this trip that it is hard to remember all of them. If you have ever heard the song 'Strokin' by Clarence Carter, you may get an idea of our enjoyable car ride. We 'stroked' to that song roughly thirty times, making sure to 'stroke' twice in every state we drove through. With a backseat that includes Jonesy, Jess, and myself, how can you go wrong? It was definitely the second best road trip of my life.

The Slingshot

Since Joyland Arcade only sold 32 oz beers, you definitely had to make sure you used the bathroom before riding this extreme thrill. Peeing your pants 200 feet in the air can be a little awkward, especially for your partner when he or she starts wondering why it was raining briefly only to find out that your pants are soaked once you are back on the ground. Trust me, I know.

In this death-defying experience, you and one other person are strapped down in a metal ball. The operator then leans you in your seat so you are facing the sky. Depending on the operator, he will then count down to three and shoot you off. Some operators are assholes and will count down from ten and shoot you off mid count. Either way, you are launched thousands of feet in the air only attached to two microscopically thin wires and a giant metal ball. The experience is even better when the only sound you can hear is the shrilling scream of the person next to you. Although terrifying before you leave the ground, the ride is actually a lot of fun after liftoff. Which is good because it is expensive.

I rode it twice. I'm a badass.

Warning: There's a 75% chance of wetting your pants.

Getting Teased by the Locals

Have I ever mentioned that I love the south? Well this Daytona trip quadrupled my undying love.

It all begins during the car ride down to Daytona. We are in a South Carolina Burger King ordering breakfast. I cough, with my mouth covered mind you. A South Carolina local sees me cough, stares me down for a good 20 seconds, then yells, "HAVE YOU BEEN TO MEXICO BOY!?"

Inside, I'm deathly afraid he is going to pull out his shotgun and blow my brains out. Bravely, I reply, "No, no I have not."

He responds, "WELL THEN COVER YOUR MOUTH BOY!"

"I did good sir, please don't hurt me."

"WHERE'S YOUR MASK BOY!"

"I left it in the car sir, I did not mean to offend you. I will never leave without my mask again, just please don't pull out your shotgun and blow my brains out all over this fine southern Burger King establishment. I only want to enjoy my savory Crossain'wich, my crispy tater tots, and my scalding hot coffee. I will kindly leave afterwards and get tested for swine flu." How I managed to make it out of that Burger King alive is still beyond me.

But the southern local enjoyment does not end there.

While at Mai Tai, a tropical oasis that serves excellent lava flows (a drink made of yellow and red, although I never got much red) is where my next two run ins occurred. My first began with a friend yelling my last name. A fine Daytona resident, missing three teeth and with an intrigued look on his face glances over at me and yells, "Your name is Cock!?"

"No sir, you are close, but my last name is actually Laycock."

Knowing perfectly well what I said, he replies, "So your name is Cock!?"

"Yes, Laycock."

"Haha, Cock!"

I felt like I was in the 7th grade all over again.

My final conversation with the Daytona folk occurred a couple days later, with a fine gentleman in his mid 40s who was flirting with Jess. She introduces the man to me in an attempt to divert his attention. I tell him my name is Dan. He then proceeds to say, "I have a son your age, but he is much better looking than you."

I am dumbfounded. What do you even say to that? A middle-aged man from a trashy Florida city is telling you that you are ugly. I respond with a simple 'ok.' He turns to Julie who was also with us at the time and tells her that I may be good looking, in my own way! Your self esteem is all but crushed when a Daytona local thinks you are ugly. I'm devastated.

All of these conversations actually happened, I couldn't make this stuff up.

Experiencing the Disney Magic

I went to Disney World mid Daytona. I'll post about this later, but just to let you know, the Disney magic is still flowing through my veins.

Poop in the Elevator, Vomit in the Urinal, and Pee in the Stairwell

If you want to go on the grimiest vacation of your life, go on Dayton to Daytona. Of course, disgusting things happen all the time in Dayton, but it is amplified by the fact that the trip encourages massive amounts of binge drinking.

My first encounter was at the Oyster Pub, Daytona's "best sports bar." Needing to relieve myself, I entered the bathroom. I walk straight ahead to one of the urinals only to see the one next to me overflowing with vomit. Sick. This is why I could never own a bar on a college campus. Cleaning vomit out of a urinal is not on my list of favorite things to do.

Motion City Soundtrack came to play for the D2D concert performed on Saturday. I watched the concert from a fourth floor balcony and saw the chaos ensue on the pool deck. After the concert, I entered the stairwell to head back down to the first floor only to run in to a man peeing on the third floor. I immediately went back up to the fourth and took an elevator down, although there were no guarantees that someone was peeing in that either. Luckily it was empty and I safely made it to the first floor urine free.

After walking home Saturday night around 3am, I entered the elevator of the second hotel only to find a nice chocolate nugget sitting right in the middle. Why someone would poop in an elevator is beyond me, but I had a blast with my roommates trying to figure out that one. Unfortunately for the person that dropped the deuce, the elevator was out of toilet paper, again!

If I learned anything from D2D, it's that Dayton students are classy.