Four Things That Would Potentially Make Me Cooler

Learning the Banjo

This desire of mine most likely developed from my ancestors in the South (I'm praying that I have some). Being the planet's most graceful instrument, it amazes me so many bands lack the melodic twangs of the banjo. Listening to a talented banjoist (I have no idea if that's what they're called) gives me goosebumps. I'm sure 95% of the American population would agree. If I learned heaven's instrument (the harp is a close second), women would throw themselves at me, everyone would want to be my friend, I would be loved, and I would potentially be cooler.

Being a Vampire

Let's face it, girls these days (ages ranging from 12-65) love bloodsucking, pale skinned immortals. Not being one myself sets me back in the coolness book. Now, I did not read or see Twilight, but I have seen half of Van Helsing before getting bored, so I'm as much of a vampire expert as the next guy. And if Van Helsing is any indication, today's young women are into some pretty violent, kinky stuff. To up my coolness, I guess I could start by sleeping in a coffin all day. I already sleep in until 11 on the weekends, so what's another 10 hours?



I rest my case.

Wear My Sunglasses at Night

Although extremely dangerous, especially while driving, cool people like to throw caution to the wind to prove their badassness. Cool people don't really need eyesight to see anyway. They use instinct and a strong sense of smell to direct them to where the action is. That's why they always smell so good too. Cool people tend to lose their...cool when in the company of someone with B.O. They can whiff it from over 3 kilometers away (the study was done in Europe, hence the metric system). Long story short, I need to wear sunglasses at the most inappropriate times to potentially make me cooler.

Looking cool my friend, looking very cool.

Sit in a Freezer for an Extended Period of Time

Although this will not help me "look" cooler to people, it will definitely make me feel cooler. In fact, on a hot summer day this sounds rather appealing.

Heck, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that sitting in a fridge on a 90 degree day would actually make me "look" cooler. Everyone would be so jealous and wish they were me, sitting in the cozy, sub 30 degree ice box. I hear vampires don't have heartbeats or pulses and tend to be colder, so I can kill two birds with one stone.