Last week I had a life changing experience, but not the kind you would want to have. Every time I think about it I get chills. This is going to be a hard story to tell. It will definitely be very emotional. Many tears will be shed on my part for your entertainment. Those who were there that fateful day on the third floor of Miriam Hall probably won't share in my pain at all because they just laughed at me the entire time. Whatever.
It was a just like any other day in the Flyer Enterprises office. I was working on the IT budget with Jessi and like usual Ryan and Annie were being loud and obnoxious. I yelled at them for a bit until they finally took the hint to take their conversation into the hallway. Once Jessi and I were done, I left the office to take the budget up to the new IT office on the sixth floor. Again, quite the normal day so far.
Being the extremely lazy person I am, I decided to take the elevator even though the stairs are right outside the office. After turning the corner past room 302, everything suddenly became eerily calm and quiet, as though to foreshadow upcoming events like authors sometimes do in books. I should have taken it as a sign to turn around right then and there and just take the stairs. Completely oblivious to the apparent danger in front of me, I continued on my journey to the sixth floor by way of the elevator.
When I finally arrived to the third floor elevator, Ryan and Annie were continuing their boring conversation about God knows what, probably about the latest pictures on "I Can Has Cheezburger?" I rudely interrupted the conversation since I knew it wasn't important to let them know what I was doing. As I was talking, I pushed the elevator button to beckon it. It arrived while in mid conversation so I held it open while I attempted to finish talking. And so began my brief journey into Hell...
Out of nowhere an alarm went off behind me. The elevator was furious that I would not let it close. Instead of trying to fight it, I walked in to let it do its job, leaving Ryan and Annie to whatever they were doing before. As I stepped in, the elevator doors began to close. But not the normal close that takes 5 seconds. The doors began to close incredibly slow, like in some sort of horror movie. I did not know what was going on. I thought the doors would close and leave me in some sort of Saw-like type situation where I have to solve a puzzle in a certain amount of time otherwise the elevator would plummet to my doom. My head was spinning, I began to hyperventilate, and I collapsed to the floor in fear. All the while Ryan and Annie stood outside in safety and laughed.
The next thing I knew, I was lying on the elevator floor unaware of my surroundings. As I began to stand up, I realized I made it to the sixth floor in one piece. Thanking God to be alive, I bolted out of the elevator and kissed the ground in celebration. I just went through a Dante-esque journey to Hell and back. I went on my way to Miriam Hall 615 to drop off the budget and to never again take the left elevator in that building ever again. It may be a new phobia, but crazier things have happened right?
In case you were interested, my other phobias include spiders and people touching my achilles tendon. I hate when people find out about the latter because it usually follows with a strong desire for a person to grab it. I figured I would save myself the hassle and let you know on my blog in hopes of you forgetting when you see me in person.
***Disclaimer***
This story is based on true events. Just as Hollywood does to increase box office sales, I exaggerratted just about every part of the story. In fact, most of it did not actually occur.
***Disclaimer of the Disclaimer***
Although I may say most of it did not actually occur, the incident with the elevator is mostly true.
*********Also*********
Please do not touch my achilles tendon. I'm serious.
11.1.09
The Bucket List was not all that great of a movie.
It seems to be the thing to do among seniors about to "kick the bucket" from college. Many houses have put together a list of activities they would like to accomplish before it's too late. Although I do not have a bucket list of my own (yet), I have inadvertently attached myself to 56 Woodland's list by suffering through a 12 egg omelet at Tank's the other day. I did not realize bucket lists would be so painful.
Since everyone else is in the spirit, I thought I would make a bucket list of my own. There are plenty of things that I've been meaning to do or haven't done in awhile. Here is my bucket list complete with a description of why it is on there. Granted, I am going to be here another year, but it's never too soon to get started.
Dan's Bucket List
Walk through the emergency exit at KU
I am going to start off simple. Yes, I may have already walked through the emergency exit plenty of times in the past, but it's been at least two years since the last time. If I am going to feel like I accomplished everything I wanted to while at UD, I will have to walk through those doors one last time. There's nothing quite like being a total rebel and stepping through a door you are only supposed to walk out of if you are on fire.
Eat every sandwich on Artstreet Cafe's menu
In the five minutes it took me to figure out what should be on my list, I could not believe I did not already finish this one. I have become too complacent with my usual favorites that I left out all the rest. This is going to be a challenging goal considering the wide variety of options the Cafe has to offer. In order to properly complete this task, I am going to have to eat every panini, wrap, and breakfast sandwich/burrito. Build your own sandwich does not count. I better get started ASAP!
Get an A in every class
Being an academic institution, I thought it only fair to include an item relating to... academics. This will definitely be the hardest and least important item on the list. I really only put it on to remind me why I am actually at UD. Although obtaining a 4.0 may not be a primary concern of mine, I will try my best to cross this item off my list. This has always been a goal of mine, but something I have not been able to do since leaving grade school. It would be nice to ace all of my classes in a semester at least once in my life.
Lose to Sam in anything
This will prove to be another challenge. I took the liberty of excluding video games because no one cares that you can kill someone in Goldeneye more times than I can, am I right? If I want to cross this one off my list, Sam will have to beat me in a game where you have to physically participate. I was debating keeping this off my list because I fear it is something I will never be able to accomplish. Ever. I threw it on for the hell of it because if I'm going to do a bucket list, I am going to do it right. I'll see what I can do with this one.
Be nice to Jenny
Yet another toughie. Jenny is the root of all evil. Some people believe it's money, but they are dead wrong. Currently, Jenny is away in the heart of Dunlap, Illinois where she will learn to be a good dog. Considering how much effort she is putting into bettering herself, I figured I could return the favor and throw her a compliment or two. I'm sure she would appreciate it if I let her know that she's "hot stuff" every once in awhile or ask her if she's been losing weight. It's only fair to reward her intensive training with the respect she deserves. This goal is pending on how good she will actually be when she returns to Dayton. If she is still a bitch, this item gets nullified.
Purchase a Blend mug
It's something I've been meaning to do for the longest time because I need a good travel mug to keep my coffee in. There have been plenty of times I was going to pick a mug up at Wal-Mart, but I've held off to buy a Blend-only drinking apparatus. This should not pose much of a problem now that I am doing financial work for them.
Go inside every campus building
Even after being here for close to four years, I have still not been in many of the academic buildings on campus. My college career can only come to a close after this happens. If it does not occur after five years of being here, I guess I will have to pick up a new major and continue taking classes.
Kick Jake's ass
As many of you know, I wrestled half of the IT team last semester. Although losing horribly every single time, it's a new year so anything can happen. Beating one of the five techies will be good enough to cross this one off the list, so I pick Jake. Jake is quite the formidable opponent, but it's on my list, so it must be done. I'll take him down by being as swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, and with all the strength of a raging fire. That's right, I've been taking fighting lessons by watching Mulan. Jake better watch his back, he won't know what hit him.
Dance with umbrellas for a half hour
Check.
That's where I stand on my bucket list right now. Hopefully some of you will be able to help me finish my list throughout the semester. Who knows, maybe it inspired your own list.
Also, I have added a poll to the right side of the blog, so check that out and vote. Vote or die.
Since everyone else is in the spirit, I thought I would make a bucket list of my own. There are plenty of things that I've been meaning to do or haven't done in awhile. Here is my bucket list complete with a description of why it is on there. Granted, I am going to be here another year, but it's never too soon to get started.
Dan's Bucket List
Walk through the emergency exit at KU
I am going to start off simple. Yes, I may have already walked through the emergency exit plenty of times in the past, but it's been at least two years since the last time. If I am going to feel like I accomplished everything I wanted to while at UD, I will have to walk through those doors one last time. There's nothing quite like being a total rebel and stepping through a door you are only supposed to walk out of if you are on fire.
Eat every sandwich on Artstreet Cafe's menu
In the five minutes it took me to figure out what should be on my list, I could not believe I did not already finish this one. I have become too complacent with my usual favorites that I left out all the rest. This is going to be a challenging goal considering the wide variety of options the Cafe has to offer. In order to properly complete this task, I am going to have to eat every panini, wrap, and breakfast sandwich/burrito. Build your own sandwich does not count. I better get started ASAP!
Get an A in every class
Being an academic institution, I thought it only fair to include an item relating to... academics. This will definitely be the hardest and least important item on the list. I really only put it on to remind me why I am actually at UD. Although obtaining a 4.0 may not be a primary concern of mine, I will try my best to cross this item off my list. This has always been a goal of mine, but something I have not been able to do since leaving grade school. It would be nice to ace all of my classes in a semester at least once in my life.
Lose to Sam in anything
This will prove to be another challenge. I took the liberty of excluding video games because no one cares that you can kill someone in Goldeneye more times than I can, am I right? If I want to cross this one off my list, Sam will have to beat me in a game where you have to physically participate. I was debating keeping this off my list because I fear it is something I will never be able to accomplish. Ever. I threw it on for the hell of it because if I'm going to do a bucket list, I am going to do it right. I'll see what I can do with this one.
Be nice to Jenny
Yet another toughie. Jenny is the root of all evil. Some people believe it's money, but they are dead wrong. Currently, Jenny is away in the heart of Dunlap, Illinois where she will learn to be a good dog. Considering how much effort she is putting into bettering herself, I figured I could return the favor and throw her a compliment or two. I'm sure she would appreciate it if I let her know that she's "hot stuff" every once in awhile or ask her if she's been losing weight. It's only fair to reward her intensive training with the respect she deserves. This goal is pending on how good she will actually be when she returns to Dayton. If she is still a bitch, this item gets nullified.
Purchase a Blend mug
It's something I've been meaning to do for the longest time because I need a good travel mug to keep my coffee in. There have been plenty of times I was going to pick a mug up at Wal-Mart, but I've held off to buy a Blend-only drinking apparatus. This should not pose much of a problem now that I am doing financial work for them.
Go inside every campus building
Even after being here for close to four years, I have still not been in many of the academic buildings on campus. My college career can only come to a close after this happens. If it does not occur after five years of being here, I guess I will have to pick up a new major and continue taking classes.
Kick Jake's ass
As many of you know, I wrestled half of the IT team last semester. Although losing horribly every single time, it's a new year so anything can happen. Beating one of the five techies will be good enough to cross this one off the list, so I pick Jake. Jake is quite the formidable opponent, but it's on my list, so it must be done. I'll take him down by being as swift as the coursing river, with all the force of a great typhoon, and with all the strength of a raging fire. That's right, I've been taking fighting lessons by watching Mulan. Jake better watch his back, he won't know what hit him.
Dance with umbrellas for a half hour
Check.
That's where I stand on my bucket list right now. Hopefully some of you will be able to help me finish my list throughout the semester. Who knows, maybe it inspired your own list.
Also, I have added a poll to the right side of the blog, so check that out and vote. Vote or die.
7.1.09
Bearding
Blogging the past few weeks has been sparse and people have started talking. Unfortunately, I was a little swept away in the Christmas spirit and forgot about the blog entirely (in other words, I became content with sitting around and watching movies all day). Then New Years happened and I was not by a computer until returning to school. Although excuses do not change the fact that you had to live without any Spicy Blog Sauce for an extremely long time, I hope you can accept my deepest apologies and we can move on with our lives.
I have come to the realization that my "friends" only like me for the Spicy Sauce these days. It was strange at first when people only talked to me about my posts and constantly asked when I would blog next. I've debated if I actually want to continue a life of "friendship through the blogosphere" and just drop all personal friendships altogether, or drop the blog and have actual friends again. Since the blog has made me exponentially cooler, I think the blog wins. In a way, it's flattering that friends are willing to set aside any sort of relationship to focus solely on the blogging aspect. I know none of you actually want to read about my personal feelings, so I am going to stop digressing.
I did a little experimenting over break. Nothing illegal, just something I never had the stones to do before. As only a handful of you actually saw firsthand, I grew a small beard during the two week respite. My face was put to the test to see how much of a man I actually am. Regrettably, I am not much of a man after all. My facial hair failed to grow in a few crucial areas, making me look like a total shmuck. My family and friends made sure to point it out by asking if I've hit puberty yet and that I will never live up to the bearded glory that is my dad (For those of you who have not seen my dad, let's just say I would have no idea what he looked like if he ever decided to shave his beard). Overall, the experiment was a failure and future testing is unnecessary and will never happen.
Bearding (yes I used it as a verb) was not all bad though. I found out I can grow more facial hair than my roommate Sam. Also, as Sam pointed out, I would fit right in with the homeless crowd on the streets of Chicago. If accounting fails to work out, I have a back up plan.
Luckily, there are no pictures of me with a beard, so I don't have to worry about the embarrassment of everyone seeing me with one. Since I am sure all of you do want to see what I would look like with one though, I created some visual representations using an expensive software package. The results of the representations are surprisingly dead on to what I actually looked like. Little imagination is necessary thankfully. Here are a few pictures of me at different stages of bearding:
This is an aerial shot of me during the first couple days of bearding. As you can see, there isn't a whole lot of beard there. At this point my face was very stubbly and itchy.
This is after New Year's Day when my facial hair was longer, yet still extremely patchy and lame.
This is me during the sleepy Mexican phase of my beard. You can tell I'm in this phase by the beard, sombrero, and sleepy eyes.
As you may have noticed, this is not actually me at all. If I were an elephant, this is what I would look like with a beard, just in case you were wondering.
I have come to the realization that my "friends" only like me for the Spicy Sauce these days. It was strange at first when people only talked to me about my posts and constantly asked when I would blog next. I've debated if I actually want to continue a life of "friendship through the blogosphere" and just drop all personal friendships altogether, or drop the blog and have actual friends again. Since the blog has made me exponentially cooler, I think the blog wins. In a way, it's flattering that friends are willing to set aside any sort of relationship to focus solely on the blogging aspect. I know none of you actually want to read about my personal feelings, so I am going to stop digressing.
I did a little experimenting over break. Nothing illegal, just something I never had the stones to do before. As only a handful of you actually saw firsthand, I grew a small beard during the two week respite. My face was put to the test to see how much of a man I actually am. Regrettably, I am not much of a man after all. My facial hair failed to grow in a few crucial areas, making me look like a total shmuck. My family and friends made sure to point it out by asking if I've hit puberty yet and that I will never live up to the bearded glory that is my dad (For those of you who have not seen my dad, let's just say I would have no idea what he looked like if he ever decided to shave his beard). Overall, the experiment was a failure and future testing is unnecessary and will never happen.
Bearding (yes I used it as a verb) was not all bad though. I found out I can grow more facial hair than my roommate Sam. Also, as Sam pointed out, I would fit right in with the homeless crowd on the streets of Chicago. If accounting fails to work out, I have a back up plan.
Luckily, there are no pictures of me with a beard, so I don't have to worry about the embarrassment of everyone seeing me with one. Since I am sure all of you do want to see what I would look like with one though, I created some visual representations using an expensive software package. The results of the representations are surprisingly dead on to what I actually looked like. Little imagination is necessary thankfully. Here are a few pictures of me at different stages of bearding:
This is an aerial shot of me during the first couple days of bearding. As you can see, there isn't a whole lot of beard there. At this point my face was very stubbly and itchy. 
This is after New Year's Day when my facial hair was longer, yet still extremely patchy and lame.
This is me during the sleepy Mexican phase of my beard. You can tell I'm in this phase by the beard, sombrero, and sleepy eyes.
As you may have noticed, this is not actually me at all. If I were an elephant, this is what I would look like with a beard, just in case you were wondering.
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