Spicy Blog Sauce is to...

To my dismay, I recently found out analogies were dropped from the verbal section of the SAT. Although I was not the biggest fan, they were the most recognized part of the test. In fact, without analogies, you can argue the SAT is a standardized piece of crap. According to College Board, the makers of the SAT, everyone's favorite part of the test was dropped because "they are less connected to the current high school curriculum." Unless students in the 80's and 90's were taught only in analogical format, I don't think they were ever connected to the curriculum. I'm going to go ahead and say one of the makers of the test had a kid that was about to take the test and wanted to make it as easy as possible. Life is one big conspiracy.

I tend to digress, so let's get to the point. This post is dedicated to those analogy questions that tested everyone's critical thinking skills through a fun and safe manner, even if some people wanted to drive their #2 pencil through their skulls. I made up some of my own analogy questions in memory of this section of the SAT. Make sure to put on your thinking caps, this may get tricky! You have 70 minutes to finish this test. Time will start......NOW!

1.) Sam's basketball skills : a 400 lb clumsy, stupid gymnast ::

a.) chickens : lobsters
b.) Dan's basketball skills : those graceful 12 year old Chinese gymnasts
c.) winter : September
d.) pens : pencils

2.) My sister : only eats chicken and french fries ::

a.) Jack Shephard : still stuck on a deserted island
b.) Dr. House : a vindictive bastard
c.) Dan : only wears ArtStreet shirts
d.) Grey's Anatomy : doctors with drama

3.) spider monkeys : are not spiders ::

a.) knickers : pants
b.) Jenny : a large rat (see picture below)
c.) T.I. : the swagger of a college kid
d.) Jack Russell terriers : are not Jack Russell

4.) peeing your pants : Miles Davis ::

a.) passing the first grade : Billy Madison
b.) construction worker : Mariah Carey
c.) Garth Brooks : heavy metal
d.) apples : oranges

5.) McDonald's breakfast at 3am : a fun-filled and delicious adventure

a.) rain forests : future paper
b.) white collar crimes : cause inkstains instead of bloodstains
c.) ArtStreet Cafe anytime : a fun-filled and delicious adventure
d.) something else : doesn't matter this is not the right answer



Stop! You have completed the analogy section of Spicy Blog Sauce. Do not move on to the next section until instructed to do so.

Time is up! Please put down your pencils and turn in your exam. I have provided you with the answers and the grading scale below. Please feel free to look over them and if you have any questions or concerns, I don't care.

Grade Scale

5/5: You just scored a perfect 578 on the Spicy Blog Sauce standardized test! Any college would be willing to accept you in a heartbeat! This number may seem irrelevant and ridiculous, but so do the SAT and ACT grading systems. Congratulations!

4/5: Your score is a 575. Although not as good as those stuck up losers who were able to get a perfect score, you are still in a competitive arena when applying to colleges. If I were a college, I would totally accept you! Well, that's if all the 578ers are already taken. Those guys are just so smart!

3/5: Your Spicy Blog Sauce test score is a 3. You might as well start applying to your local fast food restaurants because no college will ever accept you. Good luck with the rest of your life stupid.

2/5: Your final score is a 2.75. You are going to wish you've never been born with the way colleges are going to laugh at you. Please find a nice closet or enclosed space to hide in for the rest of your life. While you're at it, please stop reading my blog. You are tainting it with your miserable self.

1/5: You receive an incomplete. By doing this poorly, you do not deserve an actual score. You will burn in Hell if you even think about applying to college. Stop wasting your time taking tests, you are obviously not smart enough to know how they work. Go find the nearest doggie bowl and start eating dog food out of it because that is how people are going to start treating you from now on if I have anything to say about it.

0/5: I am not going to acknowledge those of you who received a 0 with an actual response.

Answers
1.) b
2.) c. Although not true, c is the correct response in this case.
3.) d. Who is Jack Russell anyway?
4.) a
5.) c. My perfect day would include a trip to ASC and McDonalds.

Final Payment

This is it. The final installment in my infomercial trilogy. I can finally move on with my blog after this post.

3. GT Xpress 101

This infomercial is a classic in my book. This is just one of many indoor cooking products that makes any meal a piece of cake to prepare. For those of you who do not know what the GT Xpress 101 is, you may know it as the grill that turns everything into a Hot Pocket. You just throw a bunch of random crap into one of the two holes, and out comes a feast fit for a king. If you want everything you eat to be the same shape, this product is perfect for you. Half-circle omelets, half-circle cake, even half-circle grilled cheeses!

My favorite part of this infomercial is the orgasmic expression the host has during every bite he takes. He acts like taking a bunch of leftover food from the fridge and throwing it into this grill is the best thing he has ever had. It makes me wonder if the crew knew they weren't going to make any money selling this product and decided to bribe someone off the streets by saying they will feed him if he hosts. And I'm pretty sure at least 5 homeless people turned the crew down before they ended up with this goofball. Oh well, at least it makes for an entertaining infomercial if nothing else.

On a related note, I don't think Cathy Mitchell (the old lady) made this product as they lead you to believe.

Check out how straight this lady's back is after enjoying a meal from the GT Xpress 101.

Price: 2 payments of $19.95
Special Offer(s): Buy one get one free, Flavor injector, Spatula, Recipe book, HOT POCKETS FOR LIFE!
Website: http://www.gtxpress.com/

2. Power Trainer Pro

My infomercial list would not be complete without a workout product. This particular product did not strike me as the most intriguing or creative way to work out less and still look like a total stud. It makes my list because it is the most recent one I saw on TV. Trust me, there are a million other bodybuilding products I could choose from like the Bowflex, Billy Blanks and his Tae-Bo, or one of many others that work out your "core." When you've seen one work out video you've seen them all right? This one is no different. It's just a pull-up bar you put in your door to do...you guessed it, pull-ups. You can even go crazy and put it on the ground to do push-ups. It's the newest way to "chisel those back muscles" and get that "ripped and sculpted look you always dreamed of."

Before

After

This man used the Power Trainer Pro for three days. Look at those results!

Price: Not worth it
Special Offer(s): Also not worth it
Website: Don't waste your time

1. Billy Mays

The infomercial legend himself. "His signature yelling approach to pitching an array of products, along with his recognizable beard, have gained Billy Mays a substantial amount of recognition"(Thanks Wikipedia, I could not have said it any better myself). It just would not be suitable to put only one product of his in the top spot. This man is certainly deserving of his own ranking. He has sold everything from OxiClean to Mighty Putty. The man can clean stains like none other. I have never seen anyone put a white shirt with a stain on it into a large bowl and come out perfectly clean like the way he can. I think he's secretly a magician, which is why his products work so much better in the infomercials. OxiClean, for instance, is a piece of crap. Somehow, Billy Mays makes it look like a miracle cleaner. It is the only explanation that comes to mind.

Here's to you and your out of control beard Billy Mays. You single-handedly took infomercials to a whole new level.

The man knows how to give a damn good thumbs up!

Price: Priceless. Can't use your Mastercard here my friend.
Special Offer(s): Realizing Billy Mays is the only person that can make all the products work the way their supposed to on the advertisements.
Website: Billy Mays Top Ten Products along with Bloopers

Installment Two of Infomercial Goodness

My infomercial blog post comes in three easy installments. One entry just is not enough considering how valuable the SpicyBlog is. So...let's continue with the second payment of my three blog entry payment plan.

3. Versus Bare Floor Cleaner

Nothing beats a good vacuum cleaner infomercial. Seriously, any vacuum on television can suck up any mess imaginable. I think some nowadays even shine your shoes in the process. With the amount of vacuums on the market today, what separates Versus from the competition? Not much really, except that it doesn't work well on carpet. One advantage is its V-shaped bottom to get in those hard to reach corners. It is also lightweight so it won't hurt your back like those bulky ordinary vacuums. The fact that it is only for hard floors kind of makes this vacuum a glorified broom. I'm sold.

Don't be fooled by it's looks. It is just a broom that sucks (literally).

Price: $79.99 (most expensive broom you can buy)
Special offer(s): Clean kitchen floors for life.
Website: http://www.bissell.com/Products/p/versus+corded+76t8/product.aspx

2. Ronco Rocker Six Star Plus with new Ronco Rocker Cutlery Set

This infomercial tended to scare me. If these knives got into the wrong hands, all Hell would break loose! This set includes knives for paring, boning, carving, filleting, chopping, slicing, dicing, mincing, and more. They are also useful for slicing off someone's limbs, cutting out a person's kidneys, or hacksawing a metal pipe. The knives' best feature: being able to cut through anything you can imagine and never getting dull! That's right, anything: diamonds, steel, small Jack Russell terriers, your thumb while chopping onions. A good investment for chefs, surgeons, and construction workers alike. If I met someone with this knife set, I would be suspicious of their motives and run away. Better to avoid a possible serial killer than to get stabbed with a sharp knife. I'll stick with my dull knives thank you very much!

If they never go dull, why do they give you so many?

Price: $39.95
Special Offer(s): Wooden block knife holder
Website: http://www.asseenontv.com/prod-pages/st6st20402.html

1. Magic Bullet

The Magic Bullet is the cutest little blender on the market. With two different types of blades that move at the speed of light, it can chop, mince, or blend just about anything in 2 seconds. It even comes with little lid things so you can drink whatever you make straight from the blender cup. No one wants to deal with the hassle of transferring their smoothie from the blender to a cup, which is why the Magic Bullet is so...magical! My brother bought this for my mom on her birthday last year, and I must say, I actually do like this crazy little blender. Another important factor is its safety feature. It's practically impossible to turn the MB on when the blades are uncovered. Trust me, I tried. Downside: There's only so much you can fit in one cup, so it is only a good kitchen utensil for sad, lonely people with no friends.

The result of a turtle going through the Magic Bullet

Price: 3 easy payments of $33.33
Special offer(s): Two Magic Bullets for the price of 1
Website: http://www.buythebullet.com/

43 Easy Payments of $19.99!!!

Infomercials. They have kept me up for hours at a time when there is nothing else on TV. For some reason, I just can't turn away. The special offers, incredible payment plans, and the realistic customer testimonials just know how to draw my attention. My favorite part about infomercials though has to be the horrible reenactments by people using the less convenient, older products. They usually look completely miserable, stumble all over the place, and tend to break the occassional bone or two. Maybe it's just me, but I get a kick out of people acting incredibly stupid when using a less convenient product. I'll admit, I occassionally act like I'm in a reenactment when I clean up a spill, use a vacuum, or get something out of the fridge. There are three that have caught my attention in the past couple months. I have provided purchasing information and the website just in case you are interested.

3. NuWave Oven

NuWaves are pretty lame. They are basically really slow microwaves. Using infrared technology, the NuWave oven cooks food about 50% faster than conventional ovens. The NuWave does not get #3 on my short list because of the product itself, but because of the special bonus offer that comes with it. For every NuWave you buy, you get a free pizza flipper! After seeing the infomercial a couple times, I'm still not sure what the hell a pizza flipper is. I usually like eating my pizza with the cheese on top, so I think I might have to pass on this step down from a microwave.

The pizza flipper in action. I have no idea what she is actually doing.

Price: Just 3 payments of 39.99
Special offer(s): Pizza flipper, instructional DVD, 25 Gourmet Recipe Card Set, two free twister blenders
Website: https://www.nuwaveoven.com/spark/index.php?ai=106

2. Shamwow!

Throw away all those useless paper towels! They are a thing of the past with the new Shamwow towels. Shamwow holds 20 times its weight in liquid, easily making it the ant of towels (Since ants are only able to hold about 8 times their weight, I should correct that to say ants are the Shamwow of insects). Shamwows can clean up virtually any spill, even those that penetrate deep into carpets. They are made in Germany so you know that they are durable. Those Germans and their crazy engineering abilities really know how to make the perfect paper towel. Let's not forget it comes with a ten year warranty! They'll even double your order for a total of 8 Shamwow towels! I'm hoping this towel doesn't get a mind of it's own, because if it does, I'm pretty sure it will set out to absorb the human race. I've been meaning to buy some Shamwows to see if they would absorb Jenny, along with the occassional spill. Please be aware of super absorbant towel imitators. Only buy the original Shamwow.

This man is explaining how stupid and pointless paper towels are.

Price: 19.99
Special Offer(s): Double your order to 8 Shamwow towels
Website: https://www.shamwow.com/ver4/index.asp

1. Snuggie

I don't even know where to start with this one. The first time I saw this infomercial I was celebrating my roommate's birthday at Milano's. A Snuggie is probably the ultimate blanket/robe a person can ever purchase. It is essentially a blanket with two sleeve holes for your arms. Easily the single greatest invention by man. The fact that someone can cut two holes in a blanket, sew in some sleeves, and make large sums of money just makes me so happy to be an American. The best part about a Snuggie is that you can look like a complete fool outside of your home! Yes, you can where Snuggie in your house while lounging around, but you can also take it to your kids soccer game or look fashionable in the mall! Seeing a person walk around in a Snuggie would probably be the single greatest day of my life.

My new goal in life is to see people wearing Snuggies outdoors. Please note the silliness of this picture.

Side note: A google search of Snuggie blankets will bring up similar blog posts from people who hate Snuggies. They obviously don't know the many uses of Snuggies.

Price: 19.95
Special offer(s): Buy one get one free, free book light
Website: https://www.getsnuggie.com/flare/next

The Worst Feeling in the World

Let me share with you one of the worst feelings a person can ever experience. What could it be? Getting hit by a car? Wetting your pants in front of a group of your peers? Walking in your house to see Jenny excited for you to come home? Although all of these would make me feel awful, there is one that is leaps and bounds above the rest. That is, your sock falling off your foot while walking around in shoes.

Many of my socks are old, so the elastic band things that wrap around my ankles to keep them from sliding down my feet are not so elasticy anymore. Going to Wal-Mart and purchasing new socks may solve this problem, but who has the dough to afford socks in this economy? Another solution would be to just wear my socks that are not as worn out. Sounds like a reasonable answer, I may look into that in the future. But for now, just go along with me here.

Nothing tells you that it's going to be a bad day like your sock bunching up in your foot. Having to untie my shoe and pull my sock back up just makes me feel miserable. After a while I just get sick of doing it and leave it alone. Eventually my entire sock ends up by my toes and I am one unhappy camper. When this happens to me, you better just stay away.

Well, that's about the gist of it. A bit of a short post, so maybe I'll do another one today.

One more thing. Let me give you a status update on my removal from Facebook venture.

I gave in. In the span of about one and a half weeks, I received more Facebook emails than I ever did before. The Flyer Enterprises Ugly Christmas Sweater Party was this past weekend and I ended up being tagged in just about 100 photos. Along with a few friend requests and a couple messages, I lost control and gave into temptation. Lets not forget about some of the friends I have that are horrible influences on me and try to get me to go on Facebook. Thanks guys.

I'll leave you for now with my favorite haiku:

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

Spicy Mythbusters!

Mythbusters has been one of my favorite shows of the new millennium. Even though the show has lost its steam over the past couple years, I'll still watch it from time to time. Through the use of scientific research, I've decided to crack a few myths of my own.

Myth #1: Sam is better than me at basketball.

This has been a hot topic in 405 as of late. The trash talking that went on between Sam and I reached new levels and the only way to solve the problem was to go head to head on the court. Now, I'll admit, I was a little worried knowing Sam could at any minute "end my life with a 360 slam from the 3 point line," but overall I was confident I could take this man. After gathering some crucial scientific data, the result is pretty conclusive. By taking a best of 3 series with a 10-5 win followed by a 10-6 win, I can say with confidence that this myth is...

BUSTED!

Myth #2: I am a cheater.

Word around the water cooler is, I don't know where my loyalties lie. Some will accuse me of being a die-hard ArtStreet Cafe fan while I should be in love with the Flyer Enterprise's office. Now although it is true that I am still in love with the Cafe, the time I have had with the office is irreplaceable. Plus, is it even possible to cheat on a location? I always thought that was special bond held between two dysfunctional people. Science tells me this myth is...

BUSTED!

Myth #3: I am an over-achiever.

At the recent accounting team meeting, I was accused of being an "over-achiever" because I studied for my audit test over Thanksgiving break. Not realizing that everyone else was waiting until the hour before the test to start studying, I began to feel like I left all of my fellow accountants in the dust. Although I tend to procrastinate with everything else, the research I found concludes that the myth is in fact...

PLAUSIBLE!

Myth #4: Jenny is Cute.

This is an assumption made by almost anyone who first lays their eyes on the little Jack Russell. Being completely frustrated with everyone for thinking she is cute, I decided to do a little digging to find out if this myth is in fact true. Here is a list of what I uncovered. Everything in the list is rated on a cuteness scale between 1-10:

• Jenny is a small, energetic puppy that likes to cuddle with you: 10
• There are Jenny logs scattered throughout the house to step in: 2
• Jenny has a loud, shrill bark that will keep you up at night and interfere with TV watching: 1.5
• Jenny is a total chick magnet: 10
• Jenny runs from me when I approach: 7
• Jenny is terrified when I chase her around the house: 10
  

Averaging the cuteness factor of all the scientific criteria, Jenny has a cuteness factor of 6.75. Now, in dog years, that's a cuteness factor of over 40! Unfortunately for me, on a cuteness scale of 1-10, 40 is pretty damn cute. I'm going to have to say this myth is...

CONFIRMED!

Myth #5: Diane will get an entire blog post dedicated to her.

BUSTED!

I hope you enjoyed my version of Mythbusters. I know it doesn't contain half the amount of explosions and pyrotechnics as the original, but at least you can finally put to rest all of those rumors that have been going around through the use of SCIENCE!

Until next time...